True Listening Vs. Hearing

What is true listening? Dr. James Jones suggests that true listening is not advice, counsel, or trying to solve problems. Listening is just hearing what your troubled teen athlete has to say. Parents often respond to a teen with comments that are judgmental, advisory, or are non-accepting in some way. These responses “close” or shut down the conversation and do not promote further dialogue. Closed responses also “discount” the other person.
Open responses are a much more productive method of communicating with a concerned or defiant teenager. These responses are nonjudgmental, and have no suggestions or solutions. The response is one of simply accepting what is being said. These responses reflect both the content and the feelings the child is projecting to you as the parent.
The book “Let’s Fix the Kids” by Dr. James Jones gives an example of closed parent response and an example of open parent response. See the examples below:

Teenager: “My science teacher gave me a “C” on that science project. I can’t believe it!”
Parent:

1. “I told you to type it but you won’t ever listen, will you?”
2. “Don’t complain; we get what we deserve.”
3. “Teachers aren’t unfair; what did you mess up this time?”

These are called “closed responses” because they effectively close down communication between a parent and struggling teenager. They are usually “put downs” in the form of giving advice or criticism.

Teenager: “I can’t believe Mr. Green gave me a “C” on my science project after I spent weeks on the stupid thing.”
Parent: “It sounds to me like you’re very disappointed (feelings) only getting a “C” after doing that much work. (content)”
Teenager: “Besides that, he gave Don an “A” because he did the project Mr. Green suggested.”
Parent: “Have I got this right? You feel angry (feelings) because Mr. Green is being unfair. (content)”
Teenager: “You’d better believe it! Anyway I learned a lot from my project; it really was hard!”
Parent: “Then in spite of the disappointing (feelings) grade, are you glad (feelings) you stuck to your more difficult project? (content)”
Teenager: “Yeah! I guess I am, but I thought I was going to get an “A” for sure. Hey… what is there to eat?

LISTEN!

• When a concerned or troubled teen asks you to listen to them and you start giving advice, you have not done what they asked.
• When a struggling teen asks you to listen to him and you begin to tell him why he shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on his or her feelings.
• When a concerned, troubled, or defiant teen asks you to listen to them and you feel you have to do something to solve his or her problem, you have failed them, strange as that may seem.
• Listen! Your teenager asked you to only listen, not talk or do, just hear him.
• Advice is cheap; you can get both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
• Your teen can act for himself. He is not helpless. Maybe discouraged and frustrated, but not helpless.
• When you do something for your teen that he can do for himself, you contribute to his fear and weakness.
• But, when you accept as a simple fact that your teenager does feel what he or she feels, no matter how irrational, then you can quit trying to convince them and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling. And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and they won’t need advice.
• So, please listen and just hear your struggling teenager. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and he or she will listen to you.

Do you think there is a difference between hearing and listening? You are right, there is! Hearing is simply the act of perceiving sound by the ear. If you are not hearing-impaired, hearing simply happens. Listening, however, is something you consciously choose to do. Listening requires concentration so that your brain processes meaning from words and sentences. Listening leads to learning. Most people tend to be “hard of listening” rather than “hard of hearing.”

1. Paraphrasing
2. Encouragement
3. Asking Questions
4. Clarifying Guidance and Advice
5. Asking for Feedback
6. Repeating back conversation “What I hear you say is…”

Response mode interactions facilitates hard work, reflection, exploration and action.

1. Appreciative Listening. This is listening for enjoyment…perhaps at a concert or a play or even church on Sunday morning. When you practice appreciative listening, you simply sit back and absorb. You appreciate what’s happening around you. You are not analyzing; you are not evaluating. Enjoying the experience…that’s Appreciative Listening.
2. Empathic Listening. This is listening to the hurts or pains of another individual and providing support and understanding. This is the way we listen to a friend who is grieving the loss of a loved one or some other heartbreak. This is also the way you listen when you are counseling. It is a passionate, heartfelt style of listening where your attention and body language are creating an emotional bond. Sharing the emotion…that’s Empathic Listening.
3. Discerning Listening. This is used when you want to gather information. You are looking for the memorable nuggets in the volume of information that is being communicated to you. Each time you hear a memorable thought or phrase, you store it away for another time, often by taking notes. Collecting nuggets…that’s Discerning Listening.
4. Comprehensive Listening. This style goes beyond just collecting nuggets of information. The comprehensive listener seeks to understand and organize the nuggets into useful information. Often, dialogue is necessary to deepen the understanding. Gaining understanding…that’s Comprehensive Listening.</li
5. Evaluative Listening. This is the process of assessing information for the purpose of making a decision. Nuggets of information are compared against known facts and historical experience to determine your course of action. Listening to decide…that’s Evaluative Listening.
6. Your style of listening will change based on your circumstances. It is important to be sensitive to the situation and to listen appropriately. When your listening style is inappropriate for the occasion, problems often occur. Have you ever experienced this?What happened?
   

The following are examples of performance based questions and comments, which challenge a person or player’s identity and feed into a nonproductive and vicious weak channel or unproductive cycle:

1. “How much ice time did you get?” vs. “ What do you think hockey teaches you?” or “What is the future you are fighting for?”
2. “What line are you on?” vs. “Tell me about your linemates.”
3. “How are your grades?” vs. “What is the future you are fighting for?”
4. “Are you in the line up tonight?” vs. “What were are your expectations this week/tonight?”
5. “Are you happy?” vs. “How are you holding up?” or “How are you feeling?”
6. “Were you a good teammate this week? Why not?” vs. “What do you value most in your teammates?”
7. ”How is your relationship with your friends, family, or coach?” vs. “How important is trust in your relationships?”
8. “Have you spoken to your coach today?” vs. “What do you think your coach expects from you?”
9. “What are your goals this year?” vs. “What kind of impact do you want to make this year?
10. “Good Job.” vs. “I love watching you play!”
11. “Were you loving this week?” vs. “How did you handle your emotions this week?”
12. “Did you pray this week?” vs. “How is your prayer life?” or “Describe your prayer life to me?”

Non-performance based questions and comments engage in trusting dialogue that equips and empowers players to trust the process. They also equip the parent or coach to explore a power channel and help them stay in a productive cycle.

1. “What challenges are you facing right now?”
2. “How are you holding up?”
3. “Why are you playing sports?”
4. “What do you think sports brings out of you?”
5. “What are the biggest challenges with sports?”
6. “Why are you playing hockey?”
7. “What do you think are your greatest strengths?”
8. “Describe to me how you were creative today.”
9. “Describe to me how used your strength today.”
10. “I love watching you play.”
11. “Tell me about a situation in which you were able to show your character today.”
12. “Describe a time when you used good judgement today.”
13. “Tell me about your prayer life.”
14. “Tell me about a challenging situation you faced this week.”
15. “Tell me about a situation where you were loving